Fantasy Football

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*Question: Who spends his Friday afternoons loading up on free food samples while ogling female shoppers at the local Whole Foods, which he crassly refers to as “the land of MILFs and honey”?


Editor’s Note: This post first appeared October 27, 2010.

Displaced Aggression League Report — Week 7

This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Take off the turban, remove the crown. It will not be as it was: The lowly will be exalted and the exalted will be brought low. A ruin! A ruin! I will make it a ruin! — Ezekiel 21:26

Like a slow-orbiting comet or the McRib sandwich, truly epic upsets don’t come around very often; and when they do, it’s an occasion worth noting with appropriate solemnity.


Displaced Aggression League Report — Week 1

Greetings Team Owners, and many apologies for the delayed report in this, our opening week.  Blame the bull skunk that left your League Manager blinded by unholy stink, as collateral damage in its 3am showdown with the League Dog.  It was a horrifying turn of events that necessitated a hasty evacuation of the Command Bunker until the situation could be contained.  But scientists tell us that, just like the start our football season, the sudden influx of these toxic rodents in urban areas is a sure sign that Fall is here and Summer is a distant memory.

Indeed, it’s hard to believe that, just a few weeks ago, many of us were still in family vacation mode: With personality conflicts sharpened by rolling blackouts and a maddening heat index, and in-laws forced to take shelter on shady porches in resentful groups.  We draped ourselves over sticky wicker furniture and struggled to suck oxygen out of the steamy air, while the relentless screaming of cicadas was punctuated by the thumping of fat black flies the size of sparrows, trying to force their way through the screens to drink our blood.  It was too hot to do anything – too hot, thankfully, for any of us to act on the paranoid and murderous impulses that skittered around our brains every time we glanced at each other.


Displaced Aggression League Report — Playoff Week 1

Round 1 saw our little corner of the world turned topsy-turvy, as the three top-seeded teams and a former champion/perennial spoiler were pitilessly eradicated by an assortment of malicious Cinderellas.  In the end, grief counselors had to be bused in, and our League’s brightest and best were reduced to pointing out exactly where on the doll their opponents had touched them.