Displaced Aggression League Report — Week 1
Greetings Team Owners, and many apologies for the delayed report in this, our opening week. Blame the bull skunk that left your League Manager blinded by unholy stink, as collateral damage in its 3am showdown with the League Dog. It was a horrifying turn of events that necessitated a hasty evacuation of the Command Bunker until the situation could be contained. But scientists tell us that, just like the start our football season, the sudden influx of these toxic rodents in urban areas is a sure sign that Fall is here and Summer is a distant memory.
Indeed, it’s hard to believe that, just a few weeks ago, many of us were still in family vacation mode: With personality conflicts sharpened by rolling blackouts and a maddening heat index, and in-laws forced to take shelter on shady porches in resentful groups. We draped ourselves over sticky wicker furniture and struggled to suck oxygen out of the steamy air, while the relentless screaming of cicadas was punctuated by the thumping of fat black flies the size of sparrows, trying to force their way through the screens to drink our blood. It was too hot to do anything – too hot, thankfully, for any of us to act on the paranoid and murderous impulses that skittered around our brains every time we glanced at each other.
Or maybe that was just me. In any case, Summer is over, and – in addition to a faint, lingering skunky smell – a distinct chill has set in on Our Beloved League. It’s the kind of damp chill that seems more appropriate as a backdrop for a gothic horror tale than for the first week of our 2011 season, which brings us to this tardy and abbreviated report:
Week 1 brought a series of trouncings, some of which were so lopsided that they became boring, with one exception being Fleurs de Lis’ 134-133 nailbiter-win over Hellfire Club. Also notable was the Duestakers‘ demolition of The Team Formerly Known As Dayment, which left an astonishing 104 points on its bench – placing it squarely at the head of an embarrassed Week 1 benched-points posse. Meanwhile the Wackers, historically a sad-sack franchise, seem to have been born again hard; dismembering the Oswego Mario Brawlers and racking up the second highest points-total of the week.
Highest-points honors goes to Mental Garbage, which scored a total of 194 against the repeat-champion Dingobros, and left another 78 points on its bench to spare. But while Mental Garbage’s performance might inspire early playoff hopes, it would be a mistake to try to draw any conclusions from Dingobros’ opening stumble. Having entered the League as a dark horse, Dingobros quickly established a pattern of hanging quietly in the background, letting League contenders savage each other for weeks on end, and then stepping effortlessly in front of them at the very end of the season. It’s going to take more than an early-season loss to put this dark legacy in jeopardy.
And with that, let me officially welcome you back for another season. Viva Futbol Norteamericano! Ojo Del Tigre!
League Manager Tom