LEAGUE REPORT — WEEK 2
In the same year . . .there was a Scottish man, and uplandish fellow named Trisiticloke, spared not to steal children, and to kill women, on whose flesh he fed, as if he had been a wolf.
–Holinshed’s Chronicles of England, Scotland, and Ireland (1577)
That passage refers to the exploits of the man more commonly known as Christie Cleek, who preceded the infamous Sawney Bean as the earliest of Scotland’s legendary serial-cannibals. Both men would likely have felt right at home in Our Beloved League during Week 2, as dark and menacing vibrations rained down like paraquat on ditch weed, and the worst among us descended into savagery. While it may be true that none of us were pulled off the backs of horses with long hooks, more than a few of us did meet fates similar to Cleek’s victims in most other ways; in the end, not much was left behind other than some buttons, buckles, and a few bloody kilts.
As was the case in Week 1, we had to wait until after the Monday-night dust settled to make sense of what happened, and observers reported a level of tension among team owners that is normally associated with spending several hours driving behind some codger doing 50 in the left lane. 2011 Champion Fleurs de Lis was among the first to fall, plagued by subpar performances by Steven Jackson and Randy Moss, and ultimately failing to bridge the Saluki’s 21 point lead.
The Turduckens held onto their own Monday night lead against the Mario Brawlers, but only after nervously watching the Brawler’s defense rack up a shocking 19 points, and the Wackers turned what started out as an even matchup into an old-school thumping of Dingobros, 138 to 117.
And, if Gonk’s Revenge thought they had it rough in Week 1, their Week 2 matchup with Hellfire Club looked like a train wreck in the middle of a forest fire getting hit by a tornado full of poison snakes. A clearly-doomed Revenge staggered into Monday night like a wino, with a 35 point deficit, only 20 additional points projected, and a total score nearly 10 points behind that of their own bench. (Surprisingly, Revenge’s shameful 94 benched point-total was eclipsed by Mental Garbage, which left a staggering 111 points on the bench, ultimately outscoring its own starting lineup by comfortable 24 point margin.)
Senior League-members are a hardened, cynical bunch – having survived over time by learning to thrive on a combination of Shakespearean tragedy and the pointless ruthlessness of a 19th century buffalo shoot – but none of us were prepared for nightmares and survivor’s guilt this early in the season. Our only choice is to persevere, remain professional, and keep our ojo on the tigre.
Now go forth, and may the She Who Decides smile upon your lineup in Week 3. And please join us below as we recognize our League’s newest member.
Respectfully Submitted, League Manager Tom
GETTING TO KNOW YOU: Team Owner Profiles
Name: Rusty Feet
Team: Co-owner, Fleurs de Lis
League Member Since: 2012
Team name considered, but rejected: N/A
Philosophy : We’re all mad here.
Wheels: 1964 Econoline, red. Window tint, black.
Faith : The Devil lives among us, and there is no God.
Fragrance: None–gives away your position.
Boxers or Briefs: Neither
Self-medication: I Survived
If I Could Be Any Animal: Grizzly Bear
Secret Desire: Superpowers
Secret Fear: Superpowers
Classified Fact: All buried in the crawlspace. Next week, concrete.
Corporate Sponsor: American Tactical Apparel
Sounds like the wanton savagery of American politics.