TWILIGHT OF THE ORACLE

Displaced Aggression League Report: Week 5

The ESPN Oracle has been around for a very, very long time.  It was here long before the time of the Dingobros-dynasty, and even before the Gridiron Goddess first came to cast down the Old Gods and begin her thousand-year blood-reign.  In most fantasy seasons, we reach a point where – after our hopes have repeatedly been raised only to be dashed – the Oracle begins to lose credibility, and, one by one, team owners turn their backs on official projections.  We seem to have reached that point in Week 5, with these prognostications diverging further and further from reality, and team owners beginning to view point projections the same way they view candidates’ campaign promises.

Case in point: The Salukis-Hellfire Club matchup.  Pregame point projections would have had us believe this would be a tapdance on the razor’s edge, but it turned out to be chock full of smoke and very little fire as neither team ended up within driving distance of its projected total.   2-2 Hellfire Club coasted to an uneventful victory with a Sunday night lead, merely going through the motions on Monday night.  Mario Brothers similarly failed to inspire in Week 5, phoning-in a win over a by-now piteous Fleurs de Lis in which both teams fell far short of their projections, and Fleurs plunged to 0-5; If victory was whiskey, the old saying goes, Fleurs’ county would be dry.

Mental Garbage diverged from projections in the opposite direction, racking up a  completely-unnecessary 179 points – the highest total posted by any team so far this season – giving Dingobros what Grandpa Stosh would call a real kick in the dupa, and moving to 2-3 while Dingobros languishes at 1-4. At the same time, what was supposed to be a titanic faceoff between up-and-comers fell flat, with Gonk’s Revenge easily coasting to victory with its 71 point besting of the Wackers, who joined them in the 3-2 tier.

There was one Week 5 matchup that seemed to offer at least some barn-burning potential, and that was the collision between the Duestakers and Turduckens – the only remaining undefeated teams.  The Oracle assured us that — whatever happened — the margin of victory would be razor-thin, but the outcome was more whimper than bang, with the Duestakers petering out on Monday night in the face of an insurmountable 56-point deficit.  So what we’re left with is a sense of betrayal, and a veritable traffic jam of teams clustered at 3-2, while the Duestakers slipped to 4-1 and the Dingobros and Salukis settled in on the poor side of the tracks at 1-4.

Finally, in a move that didn’t surprise any of us, Fleurs de Lis reportedly packed up its 0-5 record along with a boatload of self-help books and headed off to reboot at the Serenity Self-Actualization Center outside of Sedona, where a week of intensive therapy sessions will be co-facilitated by Dr. Phil and Deepak Chopra.  According to an anonymous source inside Fleurs’ camp (whose name rhymes with dusty street), “If this New Age thing doesn’t shake something loose, we’re going to have to change tacks.”  He added, “Mormonism is pretty respectable these days and Utah will be right across the border, so maybe we’ll try that.”

Respectfully Submitted,

League Manager Tom

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GETTING TO KNOW YOU: Team Owner Profiles

Name: Kurt

Team:   Gonk’s Revenge

League Member Since:                 2007

Team name considered, but rejected:   ThunderbirdsAreGo      

Philosophy :       Always Wear Sunscreen

Wheels:   Chrysler Laser

Faith :    …lies in the infallible judgment of the League Manager

Favorite fragrance:    Canoe

Favorite Undergarment:    I wear pantaloons under my slacks every day in order to get deeper into my role as a Crimean War re-enactor.

Main form of self-medication:  Vodka Martini

If I Could Be Any Animal:  Honey Badger

Preferred variety of mustard:  Brown

Secret Desire:    To crush Dingobros for the first time (Editor’s Note: Gonk’s Revenge defeated Dingobros 116-96 in Week 3)

Secret Fear:        Getting crushed by Dingobros again

Classified Fact:        Despite years of effort, I have never mastered a passable Christopher Walken impersonation

Corporate Sponsor:    Beano