Gays may now serve openly in the military (My bumper sticker worked; you’re welcome, gay people!) And some day, one imagines, they will be allowed to be marry each other too, at which point I would hate to be a young, bullet and commitment fearing gay person.
But this is a good day for freedom, if not a particularly good day for Mr. or Ms. Don’t-Shoot-Me-I’m-Not-Ready-to Settle-Down-And/Or-Die-Yet.
I will tell you stories. I will try to make you laugh. There was a time when people laughed and told jokes and made very loud noises. I am from that time, the so-called Silver Times.
Displaced Aggression — Final League Report A hush fell over the northwest suburbs on Sunday, as Dingobros and the Turduckens faced eachother in our Championship matchup. The ensuing action was less-than-pretty, but the outcome was not unexpected; It seems that, at least this time, the…
As part of my job, I spend several or more hours a week winding through reel after reel of local newspaper microfilm. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that there’s no end to the wonders of nineteenth century life. Take, for example, advertisements for patent medicines. See a partial transcription below from a notice for Hostetter’s Stomach Bitters that appeared in a January 1895 daily from a small Midwestern city.
The description sounded great: “Reclaim your life; rediscover the day; re-experience a rebirth of what it means to have a normal life,” then came the mind-numbing list of possible side effects. The announcer said, “Don’t take this treatment if you have a history of cirrhosis of the liver or kidney diseases, angina or any other kind of heart problem. You should also avoid this drug if you have a history of drug addiction or high blood pressure. This drug affects the central nervous system; it impairs thinking and reaction time. If you operate heavy machinery, you should not use this treatment. Further, the treatment could also cause life-threatening skin rashes, severe enough to require hospitalization. The rash is typically accompanied by high fever, sore throat, migraine headaches, vomiting and severe blistering, peeling and flaking off of the skin. This treatment is also known to be harmful to unborn and nursing babies, and can make certain types of birth-control less effective. The most-common side effects may include: agonizing headache; stomach cramps; nasal and anal bleeding, blood in stool, urine and vomit; irregular heartbeat; bloating; swelling of the face, lips and tongue; blurred vision; kidney stones; severe nausea; psoriasis; dizziness; slobbering; stupor; forgetfulness; depression; slurred and lethargic speech, and trouble sleeping. Suicidal depression, anxiety, seizures, thoughts of impending doom, hallucinations, psychosis, mania, aggressive and violent behavior, and other yet undetermined mental problems are not uncommon.”
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Looking through their eyes it was hard for me to walk as I judged my walk as stiff and “white” and hated myself. I saw myself through their eyes on the Football field Basketball court Baseball diamond Hell of high-school gym class stumbling around in…
She showed up last year with a group of drunken babies, hedonists and troubled look-at-me’s. She was plastered with all the Punk-rock concentrated jim-jams: Mohawk ripped fishnets combat boots bra through net-top facial tattoos plaid miniskirt bullet-belt Belladonna gap-tooth smile and shot through with stainless….
I swear I got the Christmas tree
broke the ornaments out of the attic
sang the songs
held the child’s hand
showed up and coughed up
for the plate
After downing all of the cold and flu medication I could find, we hit the road. I kept the hallucinations to myself. Although I was feeling better, the scenery and my mood, however, hadn’t improved very much. It happens every time I get a fever. The brain cooks a little bit and I get delusional. One time I was convinced that others were trying to poison me. Invariably I think too much when I am sick, and things bother me that I usually don’t notice. I begin with physical symptoms and then I assume that the problem is with the cosmos. This time was no different. I even contemplated the End of the World.
…
The walls were really starting to throb right then; I could feel the waves coming over me. There was a deep humming sound, like the sound of electricity surging through the walls, in the background.
Hey, you! Put down that cheese log and get in here! It’s The Bob Johnson Christmas Special!