Displaced Aggression League Report — Week 4
A host of righteous teams did gather and humble themselves in supplication before the Gridiron Goddess, and were steeled to receive her cruel bounty. And, Lo, She was pleased and did shriek with terrible joy and shower them with pain that they should beg and plead in the endless night, rendering their very hearts unto Her. –Ditka 3:22-24
Amen. All eyes were on the Week 4 battle between two of our 3 remaining undefeated teams. It was clear that ‘somebody’s O had to go’ as the Wackers squared off against the Duestakers in a matchup that turned out to be a lot more lopsided than any of us expected; The Duestakers ended up being dominant to the tune of 52 points. The rest of us are more than a little dismayed to see this outfit – run by a retiree who should be quietly enjoying his Golden Years – come crashing out of the underbrush like a mad ape and stomp all over one of our strongest teams. Chalk it up to an overdose of Cialis, or maybe just sheer orneriness – either way, it’s not hard to imagine the Duestakers’ owner toasting his own victory with box wine as he hunkers down there in his rats-nest of a basement-command center, wearing only a tattered robe and fuzzy slippers, and muttering as he cranks out his next lineup on a Commodore 64.
The week’s genuine cliffhanger turned out to be the matchup between disgraced former-Champ Fleurs de Lis and the Turduckens. Fleurs posted its highest point total of the season to date, in what looked like a solid bid for redemption and a first victory. They went into Monday night clinging to a 4-point lead against the Turds, who were relying solely on the Bears Defense to dig them out of the hole. In the end, the Bears D racked up 5 interceptions and two touchdowns from a completely-skundered Tony Romo, earning an unexpected 28 fantasy points and allowing the growlin’ Turds to shove Fleurs de Lis back into the muck for another week.
Meanwhile, failure and despair began to spread through our middle tier teams like an outbreak of Monkeypox; The Salukis slid further into the abyss with a 40 point loss to Gonk’s Revenge, and Dingobros fell to Hellfire Club by a similar margin. Mental Garbage continued to unravel; tragically opting to bench Brandon Marshall and the 49ers Defense, which turned out to be a 67-point mistake — more than enough to have turned around their ugly and pointless loss to the Mario Brawlers. It was, as Grandpa Seamus would say, a Gobshite move, and one that left Mental Garbage feeling like a character trapped in an Existentialist novel.
So look for the stratification of Our Beloved League into the haves, the have-nots, and the mediocre middle, to sharpen going into Week 5. God is securely in His heaven and all is right with the world for the Duestakers and the Turduckens, both of which get to sachet into Week 5 with unblemished records, as well as the Wackers, who trail close behind at 3-1. But, alas, poor Fleur de Lis continues to fester at 0-4, and in between those extremes lie our other six teams, still struggling to distinguish themselves on the virtual gridiron.
And, as the weeks continue to pass, more and more of us will be scarred by harsh and bitter lessons in defeat until we eventually learn to view our weekly matchups with a mix of cynicism and trepidation – the same way Mitt Romney’s dog feels watching the would-be first family pack for a car-trip. It may not sound like fun, but we all knew this wasn’t going to be a birthday party.
League Manager Tom
GETTING TO KNOW YOU: Team Owner Profiles
Name: League Manager Tom
Team: Turduckens (known locally as the Growlin’ Turds)
League Member Since: League founder — 2007
Team name considered, but rejected: Wampus Cats, but my franchise began as Find The Smell
Philosophy : Que Sera Sera
Wheels: ’76 Pacer Wagon w/Landau roof
Faith : Agnostic, but superstitious enough to make occasional offerings at a Zoroastrian Fire Temple
Favorite fragrance: Sex Panther by Mennen
Favorite Undergarment: I bind myself in autographed LPGA tour towels that I purchase on ebay. (That’s not so wrong, is it?)
Main form of self-medication: Dominican Cigars and Ukrainian muscle-relaxants
If I Could Be Any Animal: A Wampus Cat or the mysterious Bunny Man of eastern Virginia
Preferred variety of mustard: Dusseldorf all the way
Secret Desire: Bailing on the rat race to pursue my dream of being a Wii Golf pro
Secret Fear: Tom Cruise and failure
Classified Fact: Performed on a local PBS fundraiser as part of the Mariachi vocal duo “Gordo y Borracho”
Corporate Sponsor: Murphy’s Concentrated Crab & Lice Balm