The Last Temptation of Osama bin Laden II

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you up to date coverage of the interrogation of terrorist Osama Bin Laden. We take you directly to the Supermax facility where he is being housed.

Day II

The next day started early. Although the previous day had exposed vulnerability, the prisoner was defiant. When the marines brought him his breakfast, he refused to eat the turkey bacon. He, nonetheless, gobbled up the bacon-laced corn muffins in seconds. The morning session of the second day of interrogation was lead by the accountant from the IRS, who brought several boxes of documents, containing Bin Laden’s income tax returns for the last seven years.

As soon as they entered the room, Osama declared, “Hah! The infidels have rreturned after fleeing the battlefield like rrunning dogs. Bin Laden outsmarted them yesterday, but they have come back for morre.”

The accountant got right to work. “Well, Mr. Bin Laden, we’ve conducted an audit of your tax returns and we find that you are deficient in your paperwork. Not only did you fill out the I-20 EZ form when you should have filled out the Foreign Assets Control Document G and F, but you also failed to declare that you have had six wives and twenty-six children. With the deductions alone, you’re eligible to receive a substantial refund from both the state and federal government.”

Lies, Capitalist lies! This is product of decadent culture. Bin Laden vill not allow himself to fall wictim to your temptation and blasphemous briberies! Do not beseech me anymore.

Mr. Bin Laden, do you realize that you have neglected to use indefinite objects and you are referring to yourself in the third person?

Of course, you chickpea counter, it makes Bin Laden’s prronouncements more drramatic!

Well, getting back to your tax returns, there is more, Mr. Bin Laden. You neglected to declare the interest you paid on the mortgage of your primary residence in Abbottabad. The family home is the primary investment, as you know. You also neglected to declare your work-related travel expenses, donations, and membership dues in professional organizations. Being a terrorist and all, it must involve a lot of our of pocket expenses. These deductions could net you a large sum of money.

You’rrre no kidding! You don’t know what that Libyan son-of-beetch, Q[heccc]addafi charges for associate membership! He don’t even give access to swimming pool or clubhouse. Ah, and Bashar al-Assad is wourse. There is old proverb in Saudi Arabia, “Al-hechmaleta fat nec arrabihia Damasc, neina duche,” it means “never drop soap in shower when a Syrian is standing behind!” And, that cammel-fucker from Iran, Ahmadinejad, is real baastarrd. He say kids don’t eat free at buffet. You have no idea how what it costs to take my six wives and twenty-six children to dinner! Son-of-beech charges for vater. Is too late for rrefund?

No, absolutely not, Mr. Bin Laden. We can file an appeal, and we can request that the IRS credit your account with the excess that you’ve already paid. Or, we could declare it as a capital gains loss, which might make you eligible for other tax shelter programs on the Abbattabad or other residences. All I would need would be the paperwork for your home, travel itineraries, and contacts to whom you paid your dues.

Ah, ha! Now, Bin Laden sees your trap! You have trried to deceive Bin Laden, but he too smarrt to fall forr deception. You think that by using tax inforrmation you find accomplices. Ha! Is too late; Bin Laden has discoverred your fiendish plot. He will not fall prey to tricks of a secular and moribund culture. It is not without reason that he is the maximum leader of Al-Q[heccc]aeda.

“Not without reason”? Mr. Bin Laden, do you realize you are using a double-negative?

Of course, you fool. The double-negative makes me sound more clever.

Well, if you don’t wish to supply us with any additional information for your returns, I can only state that we will continue our investigation into your finances and the multi-billion dollar industry that your family owns in Saudi Arabia. Between the two of us, you should probably begin to watch your cholesterol. You’re skin is starting to have that beer-fat and sweaty look that Midwesterners have. Did you eat those corn muffins? They are saturated with high-grade lard. The IRS doesn’t reimburse for medical expenses.

I’ll keel you!

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programing.

Cross-posted at My Ongoing Struggle with Misanthropy:

About the Author

Jimmy Gabacho

Gabacho– according to the Dictionary of the Spanish Royal Academy– is derived from an old Provençal word “gavach,” meaning a person from the foothills of the Pyrenees who spoke incorrectly. These days, it means “outsider,” somebody who just doesn’t fit in.

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