I have nothing against owning useless things. That’s why I have cats. Others own guns. The similarities would surprise you.

  1. Gun owners like to hunt. Cats are natural hunters.
  2. Having a cat or two is fine, but having 20 makes you a hoarder. Having a gun or two is a legitimate exercise of one’s Second Amendment rights, but having 20 makes you a prepper.
  3. Watching videos of cats can be fun. But you’d be amazed at what some gun owners will put online.
  4. Having a cat by your side can be relaxing. But if it goes off, you could wind up with scratches. Having a firearm at your side can feel empowering. But if it goes off, you’ll be lucky if it’s only a flesh wound.
  5. Both cats and guns can be versatile tools. A cat can double as a napkin or dishwasher, while a gun can be used to open locks.
  6. With some exceptions, conceal carry is currently not permitted in the state of Illinois. It’s difficult to transport a cat without a pet carrier.
  7. When a cat sprays to mark its territory, it leaves a wake of destruction. A spray of bullets leaves a trail of obliteration.
  8. Playing with your cat improves your hand-eye coordination. Practicing at a target range improves your focus.
  9. Neutering and spaying your cat is good for its health and ensures it won’t proliferate unnecessarily, which can have a devastating effect on the local wilflife. The proliferation of unregulated firearms has led to an epidemic of gun murders.
  10. People don’t like to talk about suicide by cat.


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About the Author

Tom Long

Tom Long is one-third of the seldom heard Chicago band The Ethyl Mermen. The name Tom Long can be found in the dictionary, Baseball Encyclopedia and a pub in Ireland. Tom Long is not affiliated with any other Tom Long; he won the rights to use his own name after prevailing in a three-way game of Jan-ken-pon by choosing "dynamite!" No Toms were harmed in the making of this blog.

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