Bob Johnson

14 Articles
John Hicks

It’s Leap Day, so I better get crackin’ on this stuff. You don’t often get a chance to write a blog post on Leap Day.

Don’t let that train pass you by, friend, or one day you’ll find yourself all alone in a cheap room, toothless, with pee stains on your underwear. Wishing you had written that Leap Day post.

But it will be too late.

And no one can bear that kind of sadness.

See, February 29 only comes around once every four–

Ladies! Gentlemen! Put away your revolvers! Just kidding!

Okay, Leap Day? Leap Year? Bor-ing! Leaping is okay, though.

I’ve done a lot of leaping in my time. I leap whenever I feel like it. Hardly a day goes by when I am not required to leap over Bob Johnson.

(Shot of snoozing Bob Johnson with title: Canis americanus.)

John Hicks

One day I noticed I was watching Terminator 2: Judgment Day every time it was on.

When you have a couple hundred channels, T2 is on, well, a lot.

So is Spaceballs.

I’d watch two or three movies at the same time. I mixed genres and release dates, mashed up entire schools of cinema. All the stories and visions, mine to control!

This was not scholarly appreciation. This was not DIY film school.

This was a binge, a debauch, a scandal!

John Hicks

I had an idea for a piece about rubber bullets, but the topic seemed problematic after I thought about it for a while, and who needs more problems?

Not me. I’m just going to Spotify the crap out of some tunes and pretend the 21st century hasn’t turned into a gigantic creepshow.

I’d like to thank the four people who read and commented on last week’s installment of Sworn to Fun: The John Hicks Story. Soon to be a major eBook or whatever they’re called.

Okay, fine, it’s not fair to bring up rubber bullets and leave you hanging. Here’s what I was thinking: If someone shoots rubber bullets at you, you should be able to shoot rubber bullets back at them. And since rubber bullets do injure people, let’s make it paintballs. But everybody on both sides gets a paintball gun and the same amount of ammo.

Join the Fair Play for America Committee. Demand a level playing field. Nobody likes a blowout. Write your Congressperson today.

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John Hicks

I said goodbye to the varmints, hugged the folks and tried not to think about all the crap I’d probably forgotten to pack.

Bob Johnson followed me down to the end of the driveway. I rolled down the window of the truck.

“You be good, Bob,” I said. “I’m gone to Texas.”

I didn’t bother trying to explain to Bob Johnson I’d be back in a week or so. How Bob Johnson apprehends time, no one knows. But surely Texas was a concept he could grasp.

Luckily for me, Texas is a large state and hard to miss. I knew if I pointed the truck west and pressed the accelerator, I shouldn’t have too many problems.

John Hicks

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILER MATERIAL ABOUT THE MOTION PICTURE SUNSET BOULEVARD.  IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SUNSET BOULEVARD, BUT PLAN TO DO SO, THIS IS NOT THE PIECE FOR YOU.  THE MOVIE IS SIXTY YEARS OLD, FOR GOD’S SAKE.  IT’S A CLASSIC.  WHY HAVEN’T YOU SEEN IT? IT’S YOUR FAULT I HAVE TO WRITE THIS DUMB SPOILER ALERT.  YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO SPENDS ALL OF HIS OR HER TIME PAINTING TINY CERAMIC UNICORNS.

Ink

John Hicks

I like this pen.  It’s pretty nice, for a giveaway pen.  The tube is green and transparent.  It has a rubber writing grip near the retractable point.

There are many reasons I’m writing with a pen this week.  Family emergency.  I’ve been killing a lot of time in places where I don’t usually write.

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