A terrible wailing reverberated across Our Beloved League in Week 5 as the Gridiron Goddess wept and screamed for a sacrifice, sending shivers of horror through the seven teams jockeying for dominance at 3-1. And, although each of us knew that the awful Reaping must eventually begin, no one wanted to be one of the several goats that it took to finally satisfy her. In the end, the 3-1 cluster was torn asunder and our mightiest team was counted among the casualties.
After nervously watching a 60-point lead dwindle to just 5 in the final minutes of Monday night’s game, the Turduckens were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief and mount the head of 1st place Gonk’s Revenge onto a pike. In a near-repeat of this insolent dethroning, the 2nd place Salukis were able to withstand a stunning onslaught by Mental Garbage, hanging on and making it to 1st place, as Grandpa would put it, by an arse-hair.
Week 5 was as much about redemption as it was about regicide; the 0-4 Lakeviewers and Dingobros, hacked their way to a Monday night victory against Dayment and pummeled the clearly-shaken Wackers, respectively. And, while posting a competitive point total for the first time this season may have given Dingobros reason to hope that the worm has finally turned for them, this downward spiral is familiar territory for the Wackers, whose owner has reportedly degenerated into a modern-day version of General Custer; stomping around his bunker and calling play after demented play, seemingly oblivious to the fantasy season crumbling around him.
Elsewhere, the Duestakers eked out a razor-thin win over the Pulled Hammies, a team rendered rudderless by an owner who continues to make boldly-misguided lineup choices without any apparent sense of shame or irony, the way a morbidly-obese shopper might place a can of Slimfast next to their cheesecake on the checkout counter.
Meanwhile, Hellfire Club, another resident of the League’s 3-1 tier, was matter-of-factly taken apart by the 1-3 Blue Devils, while N.O. Brass split out of 3-1 the opposite way, defeating Token Female and moving into 2nd place; all the while displaying an insightful strategic approach that many observers find to be, frankly, un-American. Nuance might go over well in parts of Europe and maybe even Canada, but not in a country where one quarter of the population believes that their President is secretly Muslim, and that Old Testament notables could have ridden around on dinosaurs just as easily as on donkeys.
Finally, a cautionary note for any team that has yet to face Gonk’s Revenge (i.e. the Salukis in Week 6): don’t be fooled by Gonk’s drop to 5th place; at 3-2 they still have scored more points than any other team in the League – nearly 50 more than the newly-crowned Salukis. It will almost certainly take more than a mid-season loss to grant the True Death to this vampire.