Displaced Aggression League Report – Week 6

May God reward them well for the slighting of me.  –Mother Murphy’s Compendium of 1001 Sardonic Irish Curses, #364

Week 6 opened with the 2nd place Duestakers losing to Hellfire Club, and bringing both teams to rest in what has turned into a traffic jam at 4-2.  They were soon joined there by the Wackers and Gonk’s Revenge, who defeated a game Mental Garbage and disgraced former-Champion Fleurs de Lis, respectively.   Mario Brothers laid down like a baby Harp Seal for the Salukis, who clubbed their way at least one step toward redeeming their own sad 1-4 record, battering Mario Brothers by a 24 point margin.

Meanwhile, the cross-Division matchup that was supposed to be a cakewalk for the undefeated Turduckens ended in a humiliating route as they watched their pristine record besmirched by the 1-4 Dingobros.   The Turds’ coaching staff turned on each other almost immediately, and their despondent owner reportedly tried to blame the entire loss on the bye-week absence of the Bears defense.  (League veterans interpret the elevation of a defense to that level of importance as a sign of sheer desperation — even when that defense has scored fantasy points in the double digits in every game to date, and over 20 in each of their last 3 games.)

It is not the case – as some haters maintain, and as Joseph Conrad would have put it – that the Turduckens’ strength up to this point has been an accident owed to the weakness of others; Their opponents have scored in the triple digits in every matchup so far, and the Turds have the second highest total of points-allowed in the League at this point in the season.   Seasoned observers chalk up the Turduckens’ stumble to a combination of freakishly-amazing scoring by the Dingobros’ Aaron Rodgers and a tragic lapse in the Turds’ lineup-judgment — including the still-puzzling decision to leave receiver Denarius Moore’s 26 points on the bench.

Finally, Fleurs de Lis’ co-owners are rumored to have crossed the border into Utah in the wake of their 6th straight loss, where, after a secretive ceremony, they became brother-husbands in a remote compound run by what is referred to locally as an alternative matriarchal congregation.  It is unclear whether or how this move will help the team break its monumental losing streak, or even if the two co-owners had a clear understanding of what they were getting into. According to a disappointed franchise insider who spoke anonymously (but whose name rhymes with busty meat), “I thought polygamy meant more chicks and less dudes.”

Faithfully Submitted,

League Manager Tom

TomT will be posting under his real name here (at least part of it), in spite of the fact that this site already seems to be crammed-full of Toms. He is a suburban husband and dad doing Union work within public education in the Chicago area. Once in a great while he also posts diaries under the name “Skitters” on Daily Kos, and—during football season—he does his best to chronicle the dark history of a fairly-vicious fantasy league.

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