(It’s one thing for a knockout brickhouse to make such specific demands for a husband as we see below, at least you’d have something to look at, but an overweight woman (this is Craigslist after all) that is too ugly to actually be captured on a photograph (much like Bigfoot) better have the personality of Judy Tenuda… I doubt it though. I mean, my ad is pretty specific, but I take a damn fine photograph.)


Husband Hunting – 45 (N. Austin)

Date: 2009-11-04, 12:28PM CST
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Yes, I’m finally ready for marriage.

I’ve started this post twice already only to have it vanish into a black hole somewhere. I could try to retype every word but I have other things to do today.

Here’s the abbreviated version.

You:

Be tall. Tall is 6′ and over.

Be 35 to 45 years old. I like young guys. The old ones seem to be set in their ways. I would like someone to be flexible and open minded.

Be attractive (you know who you are),

Be fit or have a few extra pounds, not too skinny and not too large please,

Don’t be a computer geek or video game junkie,

Know how to dress – T shirts are not appropriate for every occasion. Wife beater t’s are never o.k. Own shirts with collars and buttons and wear them often. Being fashionable or trendy is good but if you’re more comfortable in the tried and true classics that works too.

Don’t smoke or take drugs. This is a deal breaker.

Be a father. This is not a deal breaker. I have no children (by choice) but would love to be a step-mom. I miss family time.

Be social. I don’t expect you to be the life of the party but at least have in interest in going to parties or events.

Don’t have a mustache or a beard. Those just don’t work for me. Goatee’s are o.k. Go figure.

Have any hair color you would like. Bald is o.k. too.

Be a white guy. I like white guys.

A few tattoos are o.k. but don’t be covered in ink.

Be able to golf. It would be nice if we could golf together but it’s not necessary.

Be able to ride a motorcycle and own one too. You can’t ride with me and I don’t want to leave you behind.

Don’t fish or hunt. I’ve tried both and didn’t enjoy either.

Be honest, courteous, and monogamous. I will be too.

Be financially secure. I don’t want to pay your way. You won’t have to pay mine.

Be prepared to buy me that big, sparkly ring. I’ve waited 45 years for one. It must be pretty. It will be the only one I ever have.

Don’t be clingy. I have a life you should too.

Don’t expect to cohabitate with me prior to offering the afore mentioned sparkly ring. I’ve done this before and won’t do it again. To me a ring means a commitment.

Always kiss me goodnight and when the alarm goes off in the morning, press the snooze button then cuddle with me until it goes off again. I don’t know why they don’t call it the “cuddle button”.

About me:

I’m fairly tall 5′ 8″. Yes, I need to loose weight. My jeans are size 14 tall, if that helps you out. I don’t want to be this large but it happened. I’m working to get rid of 50 pounds by early next year. The difference is this time I WANT to. Prior diet and exercise plans were giving minimal attention.

I have dark blonde hair and green eyes. I’m white.

I like wine but not hard liquor so much.

I don’t go to clubs or stay out late.

I have a dog.

I don’t like horror movies or sci-fi. I can’t stand “reality” tv and will never get caught up in soap operas.

I’m not a shopaholic.

I want to find my best friend and marry him.

There’s so much more but let’s start here. If you think you’re the guy please e-mail me with more information about you and about the qualities you would like your wife to have. Send a photo as well. I’m just as visually stimulated as guys. If I think there is something that may continue further I’ll send you my photo and more info. If you don’t hear back from me it means one of two things: a) I don’t feel you and I would be a good fit, or b) I’ve found someone else.

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