Photo credit: Urijamjari
TEAM OWNER SECRETS…
*Question: Who spends his Friday afternoons loading up on free food samples while ogling female shoppers at the local Whole Foods, which he crassly refers to as “the land of MILFs and honey”? (The answer is at the end of the report.)
DISPLACED AGGRESSION LEAGUE REPORT — WEEKS 6 AND 7
All you need to know about the Week 6 action in Our Beloved League can be boiled down to four bullet points:
• The dynamic N.O. Vipers experienced their first defeat of the season at the hands of that computer-drafted automaton, Gonk’s Revenge. You can say that every big-dog has his little-dog day, or you can chalk this up to the loss of Julio jones, (or even a rare combination of neglect and tragic lineup selections which led to zero scoring in two slots which, if properly filled from the Vipers’ bounteous bench, would have easily won them the matchup and protected their pristine record). More on the Vipers later.
• The 2nd place KY Bootleggers suffered their second consecutive defeat, falling to the 2-3, middle-tier Salukis.
• Mental Garbage eked out their second win, squeaking past the Wackers by a 1-point margin.
• The completely-skundered Hellfire Club’s poor performances are proving to be the only constant this season, as they were defeated yet again by the Duestakers, who rubbed salt in HFC’s festering wound of winlessness by abandoning its pattern of mediocre scoring and posting its highest point total of the season.
Week 7, however, requires more of an explanation: All 10 of our lineups had active players on Monday night, but with four outcomes essentially predetermined over the weekend, only the Salukis-Duestakers matchup would be in question as the Giants and Vikings faced off. Ultimately it was the Salukis who carried the day — if you can call a 9-point win “carrying the day” – while the Duestakers returned to their comfortable niche of mediocrity.
The rest of the week’s matchups similarly failed to yield any blow-outs, as all of the victories fell within a 30-point margin. Even the 9th place Dingobros – who veteran observers predicted would look like a blind puppy lying belly-up in the snack bowl of a drooling behemoth – managed to keep the 1st place Vipers from looking particularly fearsome on the virtual gridiron.
An unimpressive Turduckens benefitted from the happy coincidence that Wackers were having an even worse week in the scoring department (Haters have dismissed the Growlin’ Turds’ ability to stay neck and neck with the higher-scoring KY Bootleggers as dumb luck, and decry the second-place tie they cling to as undeserved). Meanwhile, pitiful Hellfire club, spiraling to 0-7, have come to serve as a reminder that the opposite of undefeated is just plain-old defeated.
If anyone looked good in Week 7, it was Mental Garbage. This plucky outfit, jostling with a cluster of several middle-tier teams, and with a mid-season record of 3-4, is still the 4th highest scoring team in the league – trailing the Salukis by a mere 3 points. Garbage has gone from 4 consecutive losses to three consecutive wins, posting impressive points along the way and giving whoever is next on their dance card a distinctly icky feeling.
In other news, Vipers co-owner Derek Bridges has been dispatched to exotic Croatia on a “special assignment” that involves co-directing a documentary about an expatriate New Orleans chess master. This sounds like a Balkan Boondoggle to me, but you can find out more at this website. (Derek met his initial fundraising goal for this project, but says that any additional donations will go towards upgrading equipment. You can email him directly or send checks to 1729 First Street, New Orleans, LA 70113. He promises that he won’t drink the money away, and that anyone donating $25 will get a DVD of the documentary when it is finished.)
Of particular interest to the rest of the League is the fact that Derek’s travels will leave co-owner Rusty Feet – considered by many to be clinically insane — in charge of the Vipers’ front office during the 10th and 11th weeks of our regular season. For his part, Feet reportedly responded to the impending expansion of his strategic authority, with “I know killers so I know football.” Feet’s hostile overconfidence notwithstanding, this turn of events raises an intriguing question; with the better half of the Vipers’ braintrust out of action during those crucial weeks, who knows what opportunities may materialize for the rest of us?
League Manager Tom
*Answer: Mental Garbage!