–Alert Level ORANGE—
Displaced Aggression Team Owners,
Please be advised: In response to heavy and extreme negativity caused by the results of last week’s matchups, ESPN has placed the entire Displaced Aggression league on Orange Alert status until further notice. Your Commissioner has been safely removed to an undisclosed location – possibly for the remainder of the season – where, hunkered down like a Jihadist in Tora Bora, he will continue to issue periodic League Updates and answer vital communications.
Direct contact is not recommended, but care packages containing antacids and Irish Whiskey may be forwarded via the League Office.
—End of transmission—