Displaced Aggression League Report — Week 3
In fantasy sports, as in life, it’s usually best to start with the bad news first. And – setting aside the injustice perpetrated by scab officials on Monday night – in our little corner of the world that can only mean an examination of the horrendous Week 3 performances by the Salukis and Fleurs de Lis.
Anyone who has had to sit through more than 10 minutes of an elementary school orchestra performance has a pretty good idea of what it feels like to be Fleurs de Lis at this point in the season. They have watched what should have been the inauguration of their Championship reign devolve into an 0-3 Fiasco. In this latest installment, Fleurs’ bench outscored its starting lineup by a 3-point margin – thanks in large part to an ill-advised and ill-fated decision to bench receiver Torrey Smith, who ended up scoring 37 points all by himself. Those were points that Fleurs clearly could have used for other purposes, such as reducing their 46 point deficit against the Duestakers going into Monday night’s game. Seasoned observers suspect that Fleurs’ decision to bring on a second team owner has turned out to be wholesale bad juju.
And it’s hard to know exactly what to say about the Salukis. How a franchise that started out with so much promise could become low-hanging fruit so early in the season is a mystery worthy of Sherlock Holmes, or at least Cagney & Lacey. One clue might be their overall strategic approach, which, it turns out, is plagued by bad luck and apparently guided by the demented logic of a Bigfoot researcher. With a lineup that played out like a Nigerian-lottery investment, the Salukis Week 3 numbers speak for themselves: 5 of the 7 players benched by the Salukis scored 20 points or more, while 7 of its 9 starters scored in the single digits. All of this was bad enough even before you consider the fact that the Salukis’ competition this week was the Wackers; the former-wimp turned League powerhouse that came back this year with the strength of an Orangutan and the temperament of a Schnauzer, terrorizing our middle tier.
In other action, the Turduckens eked out a one-point victory over a spirited Mental Garbage late Sunday night, safely moving to 3-0 along with the Duestakers and the Wackers. The rest of the League – teams which Mitt Romney would doubtlessly dismiss as our own contemptible 47% — settled in the humdrum 1-2 neighborhood, leaving our former Champion Fleur de Lis mired all alone at 0-3, in what T.S. Eliot would have called the broken jaw of our League’s lost kingdoms.
Finally, in a development that sent shivers down the spines of many team owners, Gonk’s Revenge somehow managed to score in the triple digits and trounce 2-time champion Dingobros in spite of taking to the virtual field with two empty slots in its lineup. It was almost immediately clear that this matchup, which should have been a cakewalk for Dingobros, was a bad idea – along the lines of Scientology, or jogging in the summer heat after lunching on cheezy-broccoli soup. Calm observers point out that the holes in Gonk’s lineup were only in the kicker and D/ST slots, not exactly the high-stakes end of any lineup. But old-timers recall dark seasons-past, when Gonk’s Revenge prowled around the League like a vampire — essentially undead and unstoppable for weeks on end.
It might be paranoid to assign meaning to these developments, but Gonk’s Revenge danced a jig on a fairly raw collective nerve this week. And no one among us is prepared to face that kind of evil again.
Faithfully Submitted,
League Manager Tom
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GETTING TO KNOW YOU: Team Owner Profiles
Name: Parsons. Steve Parsons.
Team: Mental Garbage
League Member Since: 2007 (founding member)
Team name considered, but rejected: Mugwumps
Philosophy : Clothing Optional.
Wheels: Dodge Dart (1974)
Faith : Papist
Favorite Fragrance: Napalm in the morning
Favorite Undergarment: Sock garters (and naught else)
Main form of self-medication: Let’s just say he’s seen all three Harold & Kumar movies
If I Could Be Any Animal: Freakin’ Komodo Dragon. Duh!
Preferred variety of mustard: Gray Poupon—of course!
Secret Desire: World domination
Secret Fear: Clowns & public bathrooms (and clowns IN public bathrooms)
Classified Fact: Hones his deadly atlatl skills on a backyard Wooly Mammoth-target.
Corporate Sponsor: Preparation H
Great stuff.